Dissolving Expectations in a River of Trust

The journey up to this point has been arduous, uncertain, and even painstakingly doubtful at times.  After the struggle of emotional turmoil had settled, after the psychosis, there still lingered an emptiness and a sense of its need to be fulfilled that manifested in waiting, cascaded in waves of marveling patience and impetuous impatience.

There had always been a sense of expectation; of something to fall into alignment that would carry the purpose of my path forward to enliven my drive in pushing ahead and striving to manifest my potential.  At first and for so long, it had been the long wait for her – a lifelong companion that would serve as a stable partner and source of endearment toward life.
Once I had accepted to let that notion go and worked hard at it for a few years, it was replaced by the tenacious drive to fulfill my own destiny; to scrape the windshield of daily life for clarity in something to aim at and a reason to keep trying so hard.  And still during this time, there would been a stark feeling deep within of unfulfillment; not loneliness, but a sense of being foolishly lost (a sense of tarot’s fool, which takes on a meaning of opportunity, potential for growth, and a new journey).

Always my (sub)consciousness would keep an obsessive third eye lookout for one and then the other – attention and affirmation of that divine partner, distractedly looking to every girl I’d feel a minute’s attraction to for confirmation. And then the same underlying desperation for confirmation of being on the right path of my own destiny through a distracting and meticulous dissection of symbolism in any applicable aspect of life, often times probably unnecessarily.
All the while in this desperate search, I thank God, Creator, and Divine Guidance and Intuition for the reliable trust in knowing what has truly served me and what I had falsely self-prophesied.  This trust has allowed me to navigate my life up to this point by denying myself what I’ve wanted for so long, The patient aspiration of what I’ve truly needed to fulfill my still ambiguous purpose, if after all this there even turns out to be one.

This past week and a half has been a blessing in disguise and the precipice for the necessary next steps just ahead.  It can be summarized by feelings of such aloofness as having no sense of purpose or attachment to anyone or anything, including feelings of worry or determination to strive forward even blindly, coupled with the denial of desires I’ve already mentioned.
I’m left absolutely and entirely in limbo and having no choice but to accept being in this state for as long as necessary, without expectation of it changing.  This is because if I’ve only learned one universal truth, it’s that change is always inevitable, and as long as I let go of attachment, a new horizon is perpetually on its way to envelop me in my soul’s true desires.